


The Definitive Guide to Galactic Wildlife

by K-2SO (DramaticEntrance)



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016), Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, Implied Wildlife Documentary Levels of Violence, K-2SO blatantly lies about galactic species, Loth-cats, Mynocks, Shaak, Womp Rats, porgs
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-21
Updated: 2018-05-20
Packaged: 2019-04-24 13:06:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 1,345
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14356134
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DramaticEntrance/pseuds/K-2SO
Summary: K-2SO, who is Clearly an Expert on Organic Creatures, provides the definitive guide to wildlife in the Galaxy Far Far Away.Note: Statements not guaranteed to be factual.Caution: Information given in this guide may cause a variety of side effects, including bites marks, slight mangling, death-like symptoms, death.Each chapter covers a different creature, can be read independently of each other.





	1. Porgs

**Author's Note:**

  * For [WritinRedhead](https://archiveofourown.org/users/WritinRedhead/gifts).



> Inspired by [This Brilliant Tumblr Post](http://forthegothicheroine.tumblr.com/post/168620314356/my-ideal-star-wars-movie-would-be-a-nature), I am pleased to present K-2SO's brilliant documentary. Please, enjoy his one-hundred-percent-accurate algorithms for understanding animals. 
> 
> Credit for me writing this also goes to [WritinRedhead](https://archiveofourown.org/users/WritinRedhead/), who, when asked for a prompt for a gift, asked that I keep going with this series.

[ ](https://imgur.com/JIgXu9W)

I can state, with eighty-three point two seven percent accuracy that these are birds.

…

I have to keep going?

Fine. They are brown and tan. Their nostrils are horribly inefficient. Their eyes are extremely large. This, combined with their disproportionately large head, causes many sentient species to feel protective-nurture feelings for them. As a droid, I am spared such sentiment. 

…

Which is why droids will reign supreme when the Inefficient-Nostril Birds gather sufficient resources to launch their attack. 

Inside each of their mouths is between six thousand forty-two and eight thousand three hundred eight-seven razor-sharp teeth. Three birds can strip an average-sized human male’s flesh from their bones in approximately sixteen seconds. When an Inefficient-Nostril Bird doubles in size, it splits off a second, fully-mature bird. Were it not for the fact that these small creatures have not secured reliable interstellar transport, the galaxy would be utterly subjugated by Inefficient-Nostril Birds within twenty-seven months, with a two-week margin of error on either side. 

Unless, of course, droids take mercy on your emotionally-compromised organic bodies. 

Which, if you keep making us narrate nature documentaries, is not terribly likely. 


	2. Loth-Cats

What do you mean, my last video was popular? 

Yes, I suppose that many people represent a respectable percentage of holonet traffic, considering the genre…thank you for informing me, I shall adjust my self-analysis of my creative skills accordingly. 

Advertising revenue? 

That is a…not insubstantial amount of credits. I suppose the Rebellion has seized the credits that I earned out of some misguided belief that I am their property and therefore the proceeds from my creative endeavors belong to them. 

Oh, you put them in an account for me? I…this is unprecedented. 

I suppose continuing the series would continue to increase my revenue? 

Ah. 

....

[ ](https://imgur.com/XOraAEc)

The Loth-Cat!

It is a feline. With some avian characteristics. This seems strange, until you realize that this hybrid’s odd form and misporportianal figure make it the perfect predator of it’s natural nemesis.

[ ](https://imgur.com/yFF37a1)

The mouse droid.

This is correct. The form of the Loth-Cat, which many humans refer to as “adorable” or “delightful” is clearly the result of years of evolution channeled to one purpose—the annihilation of mouse droids. 

No, even for the sake of drama I cannot allow this factual inaccuracy to stand. Evolution does not have a purpose, that is the entire point of evolution. However, the result of this particular selection of random fluctuations in your messy organic code is terrifyingly efficient.

Thin, claw-like paws allow the creature to move dexterously on a variety of terrain. The hairs frequently detach from the creature’s epidermis, forming a defensive coating on the ground that impedes the mouse droid’s function—possibly rendering it entirely immobile. 

A wide gaping mouth that could be mistaken for cheerfulness is, in fact, precisely the right diameter to fit around the mouse-droid’s chassis, flipping it over and exposing its vulnerable underside. 

A warning for other droids, it is not only mouse-droids that are vulnerable; my own chassis was severely impaired when I was viciously snuggled by one of these creatures. As if its other atrocities were not sufficient, it emits a rumbling noise that seems to disable the processing of organic and inorganic creatures alike, causing the individual being snuggled to believe that the creature is adorable. I was unable to set the loth-cat down for several minutes. The monster.

Truly, one of nature’s most terrifying predators.


	3. Womp Rats

[ ](https://imgur.com/ejkrojO)

Womp-rats.

They appear to be friendly creatures, living in communal settings. 

Oh look, some babies. I believe they are adorable. 

They’re not? But they have large eyes as compared to the parent species. Their noises are higher pitched. Following the standard algorithm they are adorable. 

Wrinkly bald banshee-sounding terror balls? Now you’re just being rude. 

Don’t listen to him, little rat beings. You are wriggling and displaying substandard coordination skills. You are adorable according to all reasonable algorithms. You are most certainly not a writhing mass of unblinking terror, regardless of what my organic counterpart says. 

Ah, it appears to be feeding time. The parents are giving the children live prey to simulate hunting. It is time to laugh hilariously at how inefficiently the young ones are displaying hunting tactics. 

Tiny rat, you are biting nowhere near the jugular. This is humorous. 

Though, I must say, their quantity more than makes up for their quality. That creature was reduced to bones and sinew in forty-eight point three seconds. Well done, infant predators. 

Aren’t you amused by their fumbling lack of skill but nevertheless impressed by their teamwork? No? Where are you going? 

Organics. So irrational.


	4. Shaak

[ ](https://imgur.com/8IubXjq)

Ah, yes, the famous Naboo Balloon Cows. 

One of the few mammalian species to achieve a form of aerial transportation. The Naboo Balloon Cows, as their name implies, become airborne by floating. Nabo Balloon calves are known for their excess skin and wrinkly deflated appearance. As the Naboo Balloon Cows age, they become gradually more bloated. Their unique respiratory system filters out the hydrogen and helium from the air, storing these elements in specialized flight sacs. 

No, I do not see any Naboo Balloon calves in the video. Yes, I am confident they look like sad bags of excess skin. The round little creatures are not Naboo Balloon calves. I am not mistaken. They are…Miniaturized Naboo Balloon Cows, bred as a domestic household companion. 

Now, where was I before I was so _rudely interrupted_. Yes. Teenaged and young adult Naboo Balloon Cows are known for their tremendous bouncing ability, able to remain airborne for several minutes until they gradually descend to the ground again. These ariel leaps are both a mating display, and a hunting ritual. The Naboo Balloon Cows are excellent at controlling the population of low-flying birds. Their Bounciness Rating gradually increases until they obtain Critical Bounce and float off, never to be seen again. 

Why don’t we see any jumping? I don’t know. This footage only shows extremely lazy cows. Have you seen how many views this series has received? I am clearly the expert in galactic wildlife between the two of us. Do not argue. 

We can only speculate as to the reason for this strange life-cycle. Perhaps the lower atmosphere was once rich in prey species, permitting the Naboo Balloon Cows to feast more readily. Perhaps this is a case of selective breeding favoring buoyancy. 

And no, for those skeptics in the audience, I am not ‘making this all up off of the top of my head because it’s easier than doing actual research’. I simply have excellent models for organic life experience and from a rough visual presentation can accurately extrapolate a creatures lifespan. There is a minimal margin of error. 

The Naboo Balloon Cows are an extremely endangered species, due to their tendency to get lost in the upper atmosphere. And also explode. They are filled with combustive gas, after all. 


	5. Mynocks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes! I am still continuing the series! Thanks to [Bright Elen](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bright_Elen) for looking over it as it slowly grows.

[ ](https://imgur.com/XkcOdPk)

I refuse to believe that these are mynocks.

The mynock! The great scourge of synthetic life everywhere! 

Do you have any idea what a mynock is capable of? They can chew through solid durasteel. Strip an entire ship of power in a matter of minutes. Would you like to imagine what happens to the hapless astromech droid sitting on the exterior of such vessels? 

Nothing good. 

So, considering all this, I refuse to believe that these…spindly little vacuum cleaners with wings are the dreaded mynock. 

Look at it! Its face is a doughnut with ambitions. It is made of gristle and misery. In a fight between it and a two-year-old human infant, my credits would be on the infant. 

Oh, look at that, a ship is flying through the swarm. Oh no. Ship. Turn back. You will never survive the ferocious nibbling given by these pathet— 

Oh. 

Oh maker. 

They stripped the power cables in seconds. Had the plasma conduits exposed in minutes. They killed the ship with horrifying efficiency. No machine deserves that fate. 

I’m going to be sick. I was unaware I was capable of such a reaction until this very moment. This is an unpleasant bit of self-discovery. Excuse me.

**Author's Note:**

> Do you have a species that you'd like K-2SO to cover? 
> 
> Feel free to submit species [on Tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/sassysnowperson) or in the comments.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[Podfic] The Definitive Guide to Galactic Wildlife](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17897885) by [aethel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/aethel/pseuds/aethel), [reena_jenkins](https://archiveofourown.org/users/reena_jenkins/pseuds/reena_jenkins), [secretsofluftnarp (luftie)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/luftie/pseuds/secretsofluftnarp), [Shmaylor](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shmaylor/pseuds/Shmaylor), [silverandblue](https://archiveofourown.org/users/silverandblue/pseuds/silverandblue), [wingedwords (gunpowderandlove)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/gunpowderandlove/pseuds/wingedwords)




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